me

name zhen

hopes and dreams

make myself study very hard?? haha..

my blah mates

04s57
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bengy
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Saturday, August 28

haha finally it is all over. not feeling much happiness over it also. nrither do i feel any sadness.
it is over


zhen slammed at 12:27

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Thursday, August 26

my life suck pretty much now. dunno y suddenly these 2 wks have been damn hectic. cca refuses to stop cos of mr lim whu insisted that this wk we have trg 3 times a wk is cos of some trg which we missed long time ago and we have to make up for it. so we have to have trg all the way till the sept hols then whu know wat will be the funny trg schedule like when the promos end. hahah i dun wan to think of it yet. still got alot of admin stuff to do in table tennis...a rgghhhh all the past work pushed down u snrs...dumb.

have only been reaching hoem at round 7++8 or even later these 2 wks. nto that i wan it too but then it seems like life jus happen to have its twists and turns. but i find studying in sch much more productive than studying at home. but my muum jus dun seems to trust or believe that i am actually studyign in sch and nto playign ard and purposely nto gg home. hahah home to me is jus another battlefield where shouts and insults r hurled across no man's land. like wat i have said be4 only thsoe closest to u and those which u grow up with like and only yr family can push all yr buttons till u really explode. coming home yest at 10 i jus wanted to sit in front of the com to watch amazing race and only to hear insults and accusations from mym sis due to my misuse of one preposition. so wat? nto like i really wanted it this way. i still rmb clearly wat she said last night. somehow it got stuck in my mind. "i rather talked it out with u all than have faked peace running in the family" this was after i screamed at her to shut up have have some peace and quiet in the house. thank god my mum was not at hoem at tt time or she will jus joined in with the commotion. in reply, i said "i rather have faked peace than no peace in the house". then i went to my rm slammed my door and kinda of left my two other sibling out there to kill each other with their words. hahaaa maybe it is cos i din have much of a good relationship with them when they were young resulting in them nto having any respect for me. btu i have to say not tt i have no respect for them. i respect my sis for being so damn hardworking which is smth i will never achieve. irespect my othere sis for beign so happy in life with no concrete worries. but i guess it is the other side of the coin which i am worried abt. studyign too much and resulting to use theories to applies to real life situations. thinking that the world is always so perfect that she is always in the right. having to worries in life when everyoen ard u r worried abt u and yr life.

i really dunno wat to do with my siblings. maybe the love which is supposed to exist in every family is not made clear enough in mine? maybe i am jus being too stubborn and dun wan to listen to their worries? maybe they r the ones whu dun wan to tell me their worries? or jus that there is a generations gap or rather thinking gap betw me and them which results in this disharmony which will jus simmer and boil over every few days.

cannot get down to studying at home these days. haven really been online much yet jus cannot sit at the table and study. dunno y too. arggghhhhhh my life have so many question marks and so much potholes which i too dun even know of it until i dropped into it.

okok. shall cut it out liao. cannot think too much..will jus kill me be4 the real death comes. i wan to live my life to the fullest. jus think there is some serious decisions to be made soon. really have to think abt wat i wan abt my life in the future.

ya beavan..having a bf will be real gd.


zhen slammed at 20:45

***

 

Saturday, August 21

INSTRUCTIONS:1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold is false.

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days
03. I love broccoli0
4. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books
06.I once slept in a toilet
07. I love playing video games
10. I watch 'One Tree Hill' (wth is that????)
11. I like sharks
12. I love spiders, I think they're adorable, especially the ones with bright colors on their backs
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair
14. I like George W. Bush
15. People are cool 16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year
17. I have an Envoy and a pool
18. I have a lot to learn
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself
20. I'm really, really smart. (i hope...)
21.I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret
23. I love rain
24. I drink health juice
25. Punk rock is awesome.
26. I hate Bill Gates
27. I love Vietnamese food
28. I would hate to be famous
29. I am a morning person ( coem and find me in the morning and see...)
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have short hair
32. I have potential
33. I'm pure Afghan
34. My legs are two different sizes
35. I have a twin
36. I wear those long ass socks
37. I can roll my tongue.
38. I like the way that I look
39. I'm obsessed with Italian food
40. I know how to French braid
41. I can be pessimistic or optimistic whenever I want
42. I have a lot of mood swings
43. I skateboard/snowboard
44. I think that skateboarders are HOT
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I can't swim
51. My favorite color is either blue, red, or white
52. I practically live in sweatshirts (other than sch uniform)
53. I love to shop
54. I would classify myself as either punk or goth
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm a prep, shop at abercrombie, and ADMIT IT.
57. I'm obsessed with my xanga.
58. I don't hate anyone
59. I know how to square dance
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mom
62. I have a cell phone
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
65. I know how to play the tuba
66. I love coffee.
67. I have had a girlfriend before
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently like someone and they have no idea that I like them
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life ((i have a breif idea..)
71. I want to have kids when I get older
72. I have changed a diaper before can you say thousands of them
73. I've called the cops on a friend before and I'd do it again
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Hilary Duff fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I love broadway plays, and have been to at least 3
78. I have no idea who the 38th president was. (wat country??)
79. I plan on seeing Mary Kate and Ashley's new movie
80. I am completely shy around the opposite sex
81. I'm online 24/7
82. I have at least 25 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party
84. I loved Rush Hour
85. I've read all of the Harry Potter books
86. If I were a dwarf, I would be dopey
87. I don't mind country music
89. I think that Juicy Fruit is the best type of gum
90. I watch soap operas whenever I can
91. I'm obsessive and paranoid and extremely jumpy
92. I would love to be demi moore because ashton kutchers a major hottie
93. I love the Beatles.. they're classic
94. I know all the words to 'Barbie Girl' (i think..)
95. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy (but then we dun celebrate it here...)
96. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it
98. I want this damned thing to be over!
99. I'm happy
100.I noticed there was no 97


doing this while watching the table tennis match...hahaha am jus kinda of bored at home...I NEED TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE TO STUDY!!!! CAN ROT THE WHOLESAT AFTERNOON AWAY DOING NTH!!!

hahhahhahahahhahahahhahahhahaha....................

BLEAHX


zhen slammed at 16:20

***

 

Friday, August 20

i have finally finished my part of the toopid written report. ya shagged of cos. only slept 3 hrs the nigth be4. now watching teh li jiawei vs wang nan match...have nto done much revision. really feel abd for leaving early today...sorry guys i know i did this 'stunt' act too many a times, abandon u guys at the pt of crisis..i mean it is an impt pt in the toopid project. guess my parents and sisters dun understand wat i am doing at the com. havign been sitting here since i came home at round 10. they must have been thinking that i am wasting my time away at the com.

sorry to u both too girls. din really get myself worked up to that level of madness usually easily achieved with me. guess pw and studying were the main looming thoughts in my mind then. realised i was pretty off then too. singapore idol really seemed like a big joke to me then. jus realised both the episodes of singapore idol which i caught was in other ppl's house. haha wat a concidence. wadever. can tell i am typing crap right....

mental strength is v impt in everythign that we do. shall go and 'acquire' some for myself. haha. like it is so easy.

i think i have alot of committments in my life now. have to make some serious decisions now. some which will make big impacts on the rest of my life in sa. have promised my mum to give her some decent results from my promos. initially i felt a sign of relieve when i told her that to get her off my back nagging. but then have to learn to manage my time. really have to.

give me the strength...


zhen slammed at 02:35

***

 

Wednesday, August 18

am in the sch lib now...seriously really dunno wat to blog abt so decided to jus type wadever that comes to my mind. ya mrs wong my maths teaher cum table tennis teacher is on mc today so we got a free period all thanks to her. but she really looked kinda pale on mon when she came down and take the attendence for table tennis so wadever..hope she recovers soon...bleahX dunno y am i so gd to her also..hahhaa wadever she holds the keys to my promos score so ya liddat...

my phone has went bonkers again...dunno y after a period of time the words which r inserted
into the phone will auto disappear..damn asshole...then words like nvm, sch and even simple words like badminton it doesnt even have...wat the hell lah have to do everything again!!!! so mar fun now have to see my phone when i type and cannot do it free hand...seems so retartded.

i think i am really complaining here..okok back to my computer at home..the arrow buttons r spolit! shitty the up and the left button is spoil so hard to scroll things now...

ooko beavan we flooded yr tag board with interesting things....yaya not bad at least we have some substance in it now like u and yr one liners....hahaha actually should do it more often really quite fun though....

looking forward to seeign u girls on thurs...dinner then singapore idol i guess waadever my mum say lah. she has been complaining abt my poor results and my studyign in sch and my talkative-ness in class....okok my results r not tt fanastic and hence i decided to study in sch as i will sleep or jus slack ard when i get home. then she will complain that if i really study tt much then will not get such bad results and should be getting like C and D instead of all Os . yaya wadever...she also wants some decent results from me in my promos..like wat A and Bs??? crappppp

jus realised now that i haven really have a good chat with my mum for ages..or even my sisters...my youngest sis will only talk to me when she dunno howto do her maths or sci hw then wlll come running to me demanding tt i help her. the second sis will jus either position herself in kitchen with the phone stuck to her ear or in the table in the livign room studying...she is really studying manX so cary..think i din even studied tt much and her prelim is in the first wk after then spet hols...like today is only wk 7 or 8....btu luckily she din get higher than me for her normal chinese..she got a2. somehow being the eldest and all along the person with the best reuslt int eh family opf 3 it si v hard for me to see my sis havign betetr reults tan me as it will jus prove that ehr diligience is payign off the work. yaya i am a slcaker in rv...a true blue slacker...

ya the bell rang...i still think the bell is dumb so damn long bell..dunno they repeat how many times...ciaoZ


zhen slammed at 10:12

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Saturday, August 14

get yr fact right be4 telling the whole damn sch abt the wrong things. we r already not given much credit for wat we have done on tt day except from our teachers whu r ther on tt day and both our classes. doesnt mean tt u got a fren from the sch automatically given u the impression that u know the whole story inside out. pls understand how we feel. we have given our best. look at the faces of the children tt day. they were all having smiles from ear to ear. yes i dun really like kids but i dun mind seeing them happy and know tt it is US whu put tt smile on their faces. u have totally no right to jus wipe away wat we have done on tt day with yr false facts. NO RIGHT. frankly i was shocked when u came up with such accusations. then i got pissed. now i think even if i wan to clear up with u abt wat exactly happened tt day so wat? it is nto as if u will have a public apology for us. but i cannot stand to jus have this to jus rest liddat. maybe i should listen to wat see toh said. as long as u know tt u have put in yr best and tt u r not in the wrong, u do not need to care abt how other ppl think. but i feel let down. i am nt as apt in expressign myself in words. guess only ppl from my class or those whu r directly involved in the performance will understand how i feel.

today i had my meet the tutor session. not exactly one of the nicest things i wan to go thur again. for like 4 yrs i have not been said to be talkative by my teachers to my parents in rv. primary cos i avoid the meeting of these 2 parties in rv. it was a common term used to descibe me in pri sch. watver. i see i have not changed much from pri sch. still decribed as talkative, easily distracted, and have a short concentration span. guess i jus got worse and i am said to not prepare for my tutorial lessons, in short have not done my tutorials. haha really makes me wonder wat the hell am i doing with my short life. after avoiding it for 4 yrs now i have to face it again. from my teachers comments they said i got the potential to excell if i put in the effort. wth lah i have been having this stupid comment for eons yrs since god knows when. am i really nto making the effort or am i trying to bluff myself that i am making the effort?

i also realised how much my parents and i have changed in matters of studies. i rmb the times when i used to get serious scoldings or even beating from my parents for my bad results. now or rather this mornign when i shown my progess report to my mum telling ehr i din pass any subjects she jus asked me to study harder and tt the future is only controlled by me and me alone. teachers also recognise the fact tt we r past the age where scoldings and stuff does nto have much of an impact on us hence turning to reasoning instead. yes i will work if i wan it to. but hope my dad does not over react to my poor results.

i din noe hwo bad an impression i was making of myself onto the teacher. (think this sentence sounds abit funny ..haha)i mean i noe i tend to talk during lessons but then...nvm nvm. shall nto bother myself much with the talking part and more of the paying attention and not get distracted part. mrs leow kept on repeating to me tt i must be 'zi1 ai1'. for those whu dun get wat this means it jus mean to love yrself. to love yrself is to give the best to yrself. hence should study right. ya studying how to make reflections for the day online....hahahha

during the session with mr caleb lee i was supposed to come up with plans to improve my results. so i said i will stay back in sch and study on tues and thurs, incclude consultations with teachers to clear up my doubts for subjects namely phy..haha. i am also amde to come up with the target grades with i hope to achieve for my subjects at promos. c for maths( i tot i was out of my mind) d or e for both sciences.sounds achievable. sounds...was chattign with jie ru jus now and i realised i was actually talking to her durign the first 3 mths of tryign to take chem s paper next yr. wat bullshit was i uttering then?i underestimated junior college life.

shall now find the courage to go and face those topics which i dun understand and strive on to study the new topics taught. smth tt see toh said which stuck in my mind.




zhen slammed at 00:30

***

 

Thursday, August 12

this things jus suddenly dawned on me when i was online jus now be4 going to do my essay. i have no focus in my life. like completely jus wandering ard in the world existing. a normal day will jus consist of sch then maybe cca then home the computer my tut(if i even do them) then some reading then slp. this routine jsu repeats itself day after day. wahhh not nice lah. i always believed tt each and everyone is on earth for a reason which is y i have tt thing in my pencil case. but the reason is hard to find. at least for me. i have seen ppl with a focus in life like religion, their cca, their studies or even themselves. they move with a purpose as they know they r doing somethign which will bring them closer to wadever goal they made with regards to the focus in their lives.
haha maybe sarah is right...time to find a stead to be my focus in life temporarily(like it is so easy to find one hahaha Xp) till smth better comes along...smth more concrete than the infatuation between 2 person. love is a scary thing.


zhen slammed at 01:44

***

 

Tuesday, August 10

how i spend my last few days? msging sarah. guess it says it all. then study. can u believe it i actually studied. i mean really studied and did my tutorials. ya i noe it is not alot but hey i did.

think wat sarah said in her blog or somewhere, that when yr close frens r attached, they spend virtually all their time with their steads.but when they face problems they come back to their girlfrens. sometimes i am really glad to have those bf whu cause probs for them. haha in a way i got a topic to talk to them abt, yes i know we have drifted. i mean in diff schs now then haven seen them in a month or more. wat do u expect. ya am supposed to call them and jus chat but i dun dare. ok i jus dun dare. so today my fren's bf caused prob then i talk to her online when i haven been chatting with her for eons yrs. then called her and talked. it was like the first long conversation i had with her without any interuptions from anyone since i think first 3 mths. yes we met up once or twice in the june hols. not like i really got a chance to talk to her. we were studying. hate being in diff schs. this jus sux. jus sux. was chattign jus now with yt. was talking abt the times when me and her went mad. and i realise i cannot recall any. no concrete memory came to my mind.i cannot believe myself i cannot think of any significant memorieis with her. i rmb the time we were suposed to go to world trade centre then took the wrong bus then changed. really enjoyed her company then. then during study grp. drinking iced coffee by the poolside. but times when we went mad? i really dun rmb any.

time to make new memories

i am supposed to be studying. doing my chem tut. wad am i doing here. i dunno. was listening to linkin park songs. they really have gd lyrics

i dunno wat's worth fighting for
or y i have to scream
i dunno y i instigate
and say wat i dun mean.
i dunno how i got this way
i know it is not alright
so i am breaking this habit tonight

will i change how i am tonight. have to figure out wat is wrong with me first.



zhen slammed at 02:16

***

 

Sunday, August 8

Example

zhen slammed at 19:57

***

 

went out to study with sarah and beav today. yaya din really STUDY. more like jus copying notes from them. realise how much things i missed out on 2 days of sch. we were discussing abt the pressing promos. abt NOT letting char retained. okok correction. NOT LETTING ANYONE TO BE RETAINED. including myself... have to start to form study grp and study!!!in jc cannot do last minute studying already.
then went to rv to attend the farewell party. too much memories in my mind. actually i am too lazy to type. yaya i am lazy

zhen slammed at 02:12

***

 

Friday, August 6

i stayed at home for wed and thurs. food poisoning. think it was the stupid ice cream ate in clementi that day. i rmb the uncle giving it a funny look but still give me to eat. so this is the results

tuesday:
came home with stomachache. went to slp then woke up to fever. diaohero for the. fever still. din really got much sleep for the night. was shivering inside my blanket. then went to to my mum's room and squeeze with her in the king size bed. think only when u r sick and need comfort u will appreciate the security and love u feel. somehow being in the same bed with my mum made me fall i asleep after that.

wednesday:
woke up with fever. felt so tired. but wanted to go sch so changed but got a dull ache in the stomach when i was brushing my teeth. decided not to go sch and changed out and went back to sch. i guess i jus slept the day away. sleep with my fever then woke up have diaahero then went to slp. really cannot drag myself to see the doc.

thursday:
went to see the doc finally. took like 20 mins to walk wat was supposed to only take 10 mins. then rot there waitign for the doc and the medicine and stuff. then went home tok the charcoal pills and shit like no body;s biz. the toilet bowl seems to be my best fren for those days. and slp somemore

went to school on fri. was really regretting my decision on my way to sch. stomach really hurting on the train adn the bus. luckily saw vivan on the bus too and talked abit. take my mind off the pain. then came sch and realise how much work i missed. the lect the tut and the tests...wahhhh. then stupid sarah din come cos her mom din wake her up. ok sch was ok. dunno y i was super hyper after the morning. jus ask beav and char...totally going nuts. ok the damn stomach is still hurting but should not let the whold world worry abt me. realise i lost abt 3-4kg in thsoe 3 days which i am sick...wow think it is only water retention...will gain back sooner or later..NOOOOOO!!!!! wan to keep them away!!!! hahhaah

zhen slammed at 13:47

***

 

Tuesday, August 3

i saw him on mon, or rather i tot i saw him. i was trying to grab some shut eye on the bus after loh hu dropped. then in walked a guy whose backview really looked like him. then all those memories which i tot was sealed up somewhere in my mind came rushign back. shit jus realised by typing this entry will only make me open tt locked door. wadever. better then it being pented up within myself. both those memories where i was jus indulging in his company and those times where he made requests. suddenly i felt scared. dunno wat to do if it is really him. should i walk away or say hi? how will he response? all these stupid tots r uncalled for as it is not him. not him.
the past which everyone have is really hard to separate from the reality which we r living in. the places where we used to go to, the things which we used to do, the things which each and everyone person done in my short life of 17 has etched a spot in my mind and memory.
i really dunno wat am i doing with my mind

zhen slammed at 22:53

***

 

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